Sometimes I really feel lonely and helpless in life, I can feel
that God is always with me and helping me in my life but
I really feel like "can i give up"? Life is not as easy as 1 plus 1,
sometimes you just can't get the correct answer no matter
how many times u try to solve it. :) Appreciate what you have now.

Dinner

I had a great and awesome dinner with my relatives and friends today.
James came back from UK and we went to the "23"restaurant to have
dinner. Well, he is 20 now and he didn't really grow much in term of
height but in term of appearance, yes. :) Well, everyone grew. We are
no longer the small kids anymore, all the topics that we talked about
were ambitions, where to study, what to study and "hot chicks", =.=.

Had a great time with Li Ning, she is a very nice and friendly person.
Besides that, she is also a very BEAUTIFUL jiejie. I <3 her.
In conclusion, I am happy tonight. :)

我真的很希望在这个世界上有一个人能够知道我在想什么，
因为就算连我，都不知道我自己到底想要什么。

我知道我有个全能的神，一个永远都不会遗弃我的神，
这也是为什么我会尝试去寻找活在这个世上的意义。

放弃生命是一件非常笨的一件事情，我们都应该好好的
活下去，而且我相信这个世界是充满希望的，只是我还没
找到我要的“希望”而已。假以时日，我一定找得到。

Nicole.

My name is Nicole, i carry the identity as Nicole but I am not Nicole.
This is hard but yet simple to be understand. I am not going to
reveal myself here nor anywhere until the day when I am not
the current Nicole. I hope to live in this beautiful world with
meaningful purposes. I need to talk to someone, but I don't know
who can I talk to. People can't force me to do things that I don't want
to do nor forcing me to say things that I don't want to say. I am stubborn,
I am very self protective, but that is what I can do to protect myself.
I know that I need to learn how to put down, but I can't. Rely on God
and hand everything into God's hand is awesome. :)

Forever.

According to wikipedia.org, forever can be defined as a limitless
amount of time. Recently, my friend and i are discussing about this
topic and I even did survey asking my friends do they actually believe
in forever. Of course to me, I do not believe in F O R E V E R.
This word just seems to be too "heavy" to me, how many of us can
really keep the promise to do something "forever-ly"?

Ivy Tan : Yes. But it will only exists if it is God's plan.
Tat Chee : Yes. Because he believes.
Hafiz : Yes. Because he thinks that everything can last. (eg : Sonnet 18)
Ronald : No. Because he thinks that things will change at a certain time.
Han Zhang : No. Nothing will last forever.

Well, i am just trying to say that perhaps some of you are believing in
forever, but i PERSONALLY think that FOREVER DOES NOT EXIST.
Everything is in God's plan, he will bless us for forever if and only if WE
want to follow. I believe in God, but I do not believe in human being. :)

A D O R E

Today is not a good day to me. We has this thing called "learn a word
a day" in school, which is every different week each class needs to send
out at least a representative to stand on the stage and tell the word
that he/she is going to teach us today. The word for today was ADORE.
Well, the word adore irritates me a lot for the first time in my life.

Everyone in my school knows that Kelvin Mah (mah siew peng) likes me
for quite a few years, but I really don't like him. Today is the day where
i really feel like beating him, cooking him and frying him. The example
of the word was, Kelvin adores Nicole since the first time they met.
I don't want anyone to spoil my reputation by this NOT FUNNY and
super WU LIAO thing. I just hope to be an ordinary person in school now.
Going to school to meet up with IvyTan and Puan Ng is the reason why
I am attending school OCCASIONALLY. I don't really listen in class.

Love your neighbour as yourself is definitely a hard thing to be done.
If i ask you to give your phone, your money, your camera to the one who
needs it, will you do so? You won't. Because we are all selfish, we only
care for ourselves. I know we shouldn't be selfish, but somehow I can try
to love other people but not Mah Siew Peng. I know this is not what the
bible says, will try very very hard to 包容 him. Having physics tuition
later, we are going to learn Bernoulli's Principle. Will explain what is that
in my next post!

S E C R E T

Everyone has a secret deep in their heart. At least one thing that
they won't tell their friends. Some will reveal their secrets to their
friend when they are really stressed and depressed, they need
someone to share their feeling with. Some will reveal their secrets
for some 好处, they want people to pity them. But some will never
tell their secrets to anyone, because it is really a S E C R E T.

It is good to share your secret with your friends, but I think it is
good to keep your things to yourself at times. But, i love to know
all the secrets in the world, so feel free to tell me all the secrets.
I will never reject people telling me secrets. :)

A day filled with JOY! :)

I have many many things to be shared today. I was too
free during my exam, therefore I've written it down in a point
form on a piece of paper. First of all, I would like to apologize
to myself for failing my Accounts for the FIRST AND ONLY time in my life
i suppose.I will be really happy if I pass, but I know the probability of
passing is very low. Anyway, I personally think that everyone has a very
"kia su" attitude, even with relatives. The first thing that my aunty
asked my mom today was about my preparation for SPM. :) Honestly,
I don't know why everyone thinks that I am hardworking. Maybe I have
the look of a good student. :)

Well, I had an awesome time in school today with my "lesbian partner".
I hugged her in the toilet, yeah IN THE TOILET:) For further information,
please log on to www.ivyjbtan93.blogspot.com. Anyway, I do think
that we can be a great couple. I feel proud of myself to have such an
ability to communicate with her during exam even though we were sitting
far far away. Anyway, i am NOT going to school tomorrow for the
History test. I know I should go to school and take the exam,
but I am really sorry. I have no time. People might say that why do i
have time to blog and online? This is the time for me to relax k?
I don't want to be a nerd that study all the time.

Anyway, i really don't like the teacher in my school. The one that
accused me. The little things that she did to me made me feel like
telling her "YOU SANGAT FREE HOR?!" keep on putting an eye on me
as if I did something wrong. I don't cheat in exams and hence I am not
going to let you have anything to ACCUSE me for another time. NEVER. :)

Actually I am really worried for my SPM, honestly i am very kia su.
I know I need to really pick up with my studies but I really don't know how.
But I know that God will always be there for me, He will never forsake me.
Anyway, i found something amazing in school today. My class Bio teacher,
Puan Rafidah. She has a very FASCINATING name tag MAN! She has a
magnet one. It is really cool, really really cool. :)

Anyway I went for Physics tuition with Ivy and Amanda today.
While we were waiting for aunty to fetch us, we walked to the Papparich
over there and we ordered something. Yeah, basically we have only RM22
for 3 people and we still managed to order two roti and 2 drinks.
Thanks to Ivy for not returning the RM20 to her mummy YET.
Amanda had RM1.30 and yeah i am the worst, RM 0.80. :(
Okay never mind, i will bring money next time. Here are the pictures that
we took this afternoon. Okay fine, thought of uploading but I couldn't
find my cable. Forget about it, thats all about today. :)

I had my English, Moral and Physics test in school today.
Awesome, i think I will fail my Physics. for the first time.
It is good to fail some subjects occasionally, so that I will
be pressured by my results and will study harder.

Haha, my mother told me a joke today. Let me entertain
everyone with the joke. :) Okay, it is basically about my
water bottle that i bring to school everyday.

妈妈：妹，那个水瓶的口这么大，你喝水的时候不会很辛苦吗？
惠青：哪里会？（当时的我不明白为什么她会觉得那个水瓶的口很大）
十五分钟后。。。
妈妈：哦，我现在才发现原来有个小一点的口。
惠青：哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！

It might not be that funny, but it is really funny to me.
I laughed at her like a orang gila. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Okay, anyhow she made my day. :)

I am having a small test in school tomorrow but yet
i am not studying because I think that the test is not as
important as the trial exam and SPM that i am going to
face in 2 months and 4 months time.

Anyway, it's okay to fail this test. :)
I think. :D

Awesome! :)

I am not in a very good mood these days, maybe i am too stressed
and being too free in my life. Not prepared for trials and the
monthly test next week. I want to get scholarship, but I am not
doing anything in order to achieve my target. Well, honestly I
think that i am not stupid but i am not too smart. I know i can't
get straight A+ in SPM, but through God nothing is impossible.

Today a few of us cried in church, but i think it is good to
express our feelings, girls. :) Everything is going to be
alright, nothing is going to be wrong. I just feel like
scolding people in church, I don't know why. But thank God that
I didn't, i managed to control my temper.

I took many pictures today and I like the pictures that
Ivy and I took in fullhouse, it was so nice. :)
It enlightens my day today, GO MY LES PARTNER! :D

My family

Recently, there are many problems that occur in my family.
I do not know what can the second child do in order to solve
the problems. Sometimes i will feel left out in the family as
my parents are only putting concentration on my brothers
especially my elder brother, but at the same time i also
understand that he needs their attention.

My mother just talked to my elder about his future and his
attitude towards study, my brother didn't even want to bother
and blamed my mom from being so irritating. I asked my brother,
what kind of brother is he?! He is suppose to be the one that
leads me, my younger brother and my sister but NOT ME.

He asked us to leave behind the promises that he gave.
Today when i received the news that i need to go for NS,
i was upset but I didn't cry. But the moment i see that the
brother that I used to sayang him a lot changed to a person
which i don't know how his future is going to be, i cried.

I really sayang this brother a lot a lot. In my family, if
anyone asks me to get a cup of water for him or for her, i will
not do so. But most of the time, when my gorgor asked me to
do that, i will. I really hope that God will lead him to the
right path, i hope he will understand that my parents did all
these is for his own good.I just want to have a happy family.
I hope i can have it.

哥哥，如果你有机会看见我所写的这一切，你不需要告诉我。
我只是希望你能够改过自新，用功念书。我真的真的希望，
当你悔改的时候，你还来得及！

Lucky Nic - Lucky NS

I couldn't sleep well for the whole night, I was worrying
that I will be the lucky one to kena National Service 2011.
I was rolling on the bed and waiting for the reply.
But too bad, I didn't get any reply from that number yesterday.
This morning i sent it again with 2 different numbers.

The message that I've received this morning:
"RM 0.20 : PLKN : Tahniah! 931128106142 terpilih menyertai PLKN
Siri 8/2011. Penempatan pelatih akan dimaklumkan kemudian"

Wow, amazing grace how sweet the sound! I got it man.
Pastor kevin commented "Sometimes, everything happens for a purpose.
May you discover it. =)". But what should i discover? I don't know.
The only thing I know is I really do not want to go.

My mummy said not to worry, she won't let me go either.
But my daddy said GOOD, go there and gain experience!
But i would like to thank Darius and Jonathan for blessing me
yesterday night that I would be able to get NS. :)
This is what we call heng dai and friend.

I am kind of confused now, I can't study.
Let me clam down my mind, will study in the afternoon.
Chill, NATIONAL SERVICE ONLY MA! :)

三个字

I just viewed bao's blog just now and i am really touched.
I thank God for giving me such a nice friend in this school,
if not I will be really helpless and meaningless to stay in
this school.It is fun to be with you, you know? No matter in
school, chatting in msn, commenting in facebook or even serving
in church. We just seem to understand each other very much.
We do not need to say much to express ourselves.

That is one thing that happened which I really think that
I understand you very well. The "sam goh zi". Honestly
even if I give 1 year time to Kheng Seong to understand you,
he won't be at my level.I know that I am perasan.
Anyway I was quite angry in church today because OWH MY
GOODNESS，i need to do a card for MAH SIEW PENG! But I
don't know who threw Ying Shuang's name to me when he/she
knows that I don't want to do a card for MSP! Thank you.:)

I might be going to Hong Kong next year or even end of this
year with my family but I don't like. I want to go with bao,
aww bao BRING ME THERE LA! I WANT HONG KONG! You know that
I love there very much right? :) Need to start working hard
for SPM, I know we can do it bao! :) 加油！

人心叵测!

I didn't talk much in tuition today, was emo-ing.
Haha, honestly I don't emo. If i don't talk much means
I am really thinking something serious.

Well, i just want to use a few chinese words to describe
the agama teacher in my school which is 人心叵测. I just
don't understand why she wants to accuse me when she has
the thing with her. It is just hurting my 弱小的心灵.

But I know this is a very good experience in life, through
this I am going to know that not that the students are like
that, the teachers are also like that.But i really beh tahan,
i need to talk to people so that I won't do stupid things.

But i am really grateful that God helped me when I am in trouble.
I prayed to him that she will give it back to me because
I do not want to get into a bigger trouble. I just want to
settle this problem as fast as possible. God really listened
to my prayer and answered my prayer.I am not mad at her. :)

Anyway, today is Puan Chew Su Lian's last day in this school.
To me, i think that she is a good teacher that doesn't involve
herself in the "political issue" in school, which is good.
Puan Ng has been upgraded to KETUA BIDANG SAINS DAN MATEMATIK.
I really like this teacher, I think that she really sayang me.
Others might think that why am i so perasan, but I am not.
Even I am, 在我心中的一丝perasan-ness能够带给我无限的快乐！

老师，您那乌黑的头发，白暂得皮肤，圆圆的眼睛，美美的衣服及
眼花缭乱的装饰品都吸引着我，让我天天都那么想念你！

I will never embarrass myself again.

Owhh NOOO! I always embarrass myself mann.
Just now I wanted to chat with daniel woon, so I went
to say hi to him and we chatted.After all, I found that
HE ISN'T THE RIGHT DANIEL! He is daniel lim but not WOON!
Well, this is not the first time i embarrass myself. :(

Well, for those who are facing PMR and SPM this year really
need to work hard in order to get flying colors in exam.
Time management is really important, how i wish someone could
just help me and guide me in this period so that I will not
waste my time on other things. But of course, God is still the
most important one in my life, He plays an important role!
Lets start reading Luke and Acts!

I love my day! :D

I had a great day today! At first, I thought no one will be
helping MJYF to move the things to main church. But suprisingly,
many people were there and did their part very well. This is the
first time that I actually feel that we are one family.

Anyway, i met two new friends today. Mr Jon and Mr Timothy.
Timothy is very handsome and shy whereby MR JON IS VERY TALKATIVE!
But they are really fun. After helping sunday school, we went to
the field to support MCMC in playing basketball.Jon and Timothy can
really play basketball very well but not my bowl of mee goreng la.
Their daddy, UNCLE MICHEAL! HE IS VERY COOL! He is my cup of tea.
I look sick now. I need to sleep.:(

友谊珍贵！

I really want to thank my friends in school for giving
me such a wonderful and amazing time in school. They
might not realize that a little thing they did, like..
a simple joke will just lighten up my day. I am very
happy especially when they teased me and i had
nothing to say.Half a year later, i will be singing 骊歌 。
The song which i used to sing when i was standard 6.

Well, I think Puan Ng has a quite high expectation on us
that tomorrow we will do well in our bible quiz.
But, sadly to say that I still haven't read yet.
With his, i conclude that time management is very important,
what can I do to become a person like Ian? I believe that he will
become a very successful person in the future. I wish that I
could be like him too. :)

01-07-2010 -- My last report card day :)

You know what? I really LOVE to watch movie a lot.
I just can't control myself to stop myself from movies.
If you ask me to stop facebook-ing, i can tell you
that i have NO PROBLEM at all.

But I know that now is the time to start my study life.
I really know, but sometimes it is just hard to start.
But i pray that everything will just go smoothly in my life.
I just want to live a simple life, 越简单越好！

Anyway, i am so proud of myself. Other parents used up at least
5 minutes to talk to teacher today, but i only used up less than
a minute. Haha, you want to know why? Because of daddy.

Daddy stopped her from talking so much. He just said OH,OK.
He signed the paper and we said TATA! :)